i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
