My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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