He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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