I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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