Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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