so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
