im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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