nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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