I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
