I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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