Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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