I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
And then my night got REAL pukey
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize