Will you blow on my dice?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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