there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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