We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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