When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
