Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
