and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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