i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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