remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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