So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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