Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
