I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
the night ended with taco bell and tears
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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