Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Randomize
