I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
