can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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