How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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