I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
