i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
