So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
