Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
