Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
