Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
