I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
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