This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
