My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
