I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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