The maid of honor just puked.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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