last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
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