So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
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