I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
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