I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
