I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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