Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Your penis caused this!
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
