I CAN MOONWALK!
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
