I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
