Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
