It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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