Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Randomize
