Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
