all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
