you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
