i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
