you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Randomize
