im having a threesome with these popsicles
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm getting married
To pizza
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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