So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize