I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Randomize