anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
